


what we will be someday

by defyopera



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-09
Updated: 2013-01-23
Packaged: 2017-11-24 06:22:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/631397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/defyopera/pseuds/defyopera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone gets lonely on the road. This is how Hope and Alex deal with their unexpected common ground.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The sun was already halfway below the horizon, but Hope swore she’d put away the rest of the equipment if she could just stay out on the field a little longer. Pia gave her a _‘you better mean it this time’_ look and ushered the rest of the girls toward the lockers. They were laughing, someone was singing off-key (Hope guessed Heather), but tonight just didn’t feel like a night for either of those things so Hope stayed on the field, where she wouldn’t have to fake it. ‘Be on the bus by eight’, etc., etc., but Hope was done listening by the time the assistant coach finished his reminders and he knew it, so he followed the rest and left her alone. The lights over the stadium faded up slowly in the coming darkness, making her shadow disappear.

She bounced the ball once, twice, three times on her knees, back and forth, her own game of keepaway. Competing with herself - it was all she’d ever done and she never knew what would happen if the other self won, but so far she had a record as good as her game. This was the part of practice she needed the most - the part that was just about caring where the ball went. That was her job. The rest was just a bonus.

She looked out to the stadium. It stood empty now, but just yesterday it was full of bodies, faces, hands waving and voices calling, some of them calling to her, demanding her. It fed her more than she wanted to admit. The energy of the game poured into her, coursing through her muscles, tensing her, exhaling with her, and it was all she could do to get rid of it before she exploded. Without the field, she was nothing. She kicked the ball into the net, grimacing even as she wished she was there to block it, in two places at once to prove to herself just how good she really is. She tossed the ball into the air and headed it even higher, and again, diving for it into the grass to make a save, but from what, she couldn’t figure out as she sat back on her knees and stared at the ground.

After all, the only way she knew how to deal with the loneliness was to make it worse.

Tonight, the bus; tomorrow, practice, then a game, and another, and after that, who knows; she wasn’t great at planning more than a day or so in advance. And it wasn’t that she didn’t love it - it was that every time she was afraid that love would somehow beat her at her own game. That her ties to this field weren’t as unbreakable as she’d convinced herself. That one day they’d snap.

Hope took a running start, holding the ball with both hands. Using all of the power coiled into her body she released the ball right onto the tip of her foot and sent it soaring across the field. It arced, falling, and slammed right into the Gatorade container, sending it crashing off the bench. The lid broke off when it hit the ground. Orange slush spilled everywhere.

Hope stared at it and sighed. _Fuck. Pia’s gonna kill me._

*

Riding through the night was always her favorite way to travel. For once, everyone was quiet, lost in a haze of sleep or daydreaming or the streetlights buzzing by the windows. At the back of the bus she could curl into herself and let the day slip off of her.

Hope looked out into the darkness. Some unnamed city sat miles away. For a moment she wondered idly what it would be like to be someone in that city, someone with a face and name that no one recognized, with no one asking what she thought or driving her forward or telling her to do better.

She thought the better of it. _I’d probably hate it._

Someone stirred in the front of the bus. Hope closed her eyes; she knew she should sleep now while she still had the chance, but her mind refused to close down for the night. She leaned her head against the window and sighed.

“Hey, Hope?” someone whispered.

Hope looked up to see Alex standing in front of her wearing her ridiculously large red headphones around her neck. Hope always meant to make some kind of snarky comment about those headphones, but for some reason she’d never worked up the courage. She wasn’t sure what was holding her back. Alex looked behind her shoulder, then back at Hope.

“Can I sit with you? Tobin’s snoring is literally going to keep me up the entire night.”

“What, those headphones aren’t enough?” Hope couldn’t help but smile. That would have to do.

Alex gave her a wry grin. “You’d think so.”

Hope scooted closer to the window and tossed her bag on the floor, leaving a space beside her. “Yeah.”

“Thanks.” Alex slid in beside her. It was strange for a moment; normally it was Carli sitting there, waking her up to crack some joke or bugging her to scoot over; Hope rarely saw Alex on the bus rides. But Carli had gotten caught up in some argument with Mittsy a few rows up and was now likely snoring herself, and so here they were. Alex was quieter than Carli at least, so she didn’t mind.

They continued down a long stretch of highway. Hope knew the sunrise couldn’t be too far off. Tomorrow the brightness would make them blink and they’d stretch under the sunlight, skin shining and faces to the sky, chasing the backs of their feet and keeping each other ready, always present, always pushing to go harder.

When Hope next opened her eyes, she was met with a bleary view of the sun rising beneath a few wandering clouds. She wondered how long she’d been asleep. She was about to sit up when she felt something weighing on her arm - it was Alex, fast asleep, knees curled under her, head tucked onto Hope’s shoulder. Hope smiled and looked back to the window, waiting for the sun to look back at them.

*

After dinner at the hotel, Hope had pretty much run out of steam. She couldn’t figure out where the exhaustion was coming from or why, but she needed to get rid of it, and collapsing in bed seemed like the absolute best thing in the world at the moment.

Of course, that would never happen.

There was just something irresistible about the team’s energy sometimes; it made them do crazy things that somehow seemed less crazy when they were together. A few drinks at a bar near the hotel was hardly the craziest that had happened, but exhaustion had progressed into deliriousness and that meant all bets were off.

Kelley looped her arm through Hope’s as they trekked across the street. “Are we meeting any of your archenemies tonight?” Hope said with a grin. The team had a running joke that Kelley had a college rivalry with _someone_ in every city they visited, but these mysterious figures had rarely been seen by any of them. Kelley rolled her eyes. “Not tonight. I don’t know anybody who still lives here.”

“I’ll believe that when I see it,” Hope said. They followed Alex, Carli and Tobin into the bar. Though the outside was modest, the inside was decked out in Western gear. Horseshoes, cowboy hats and roping photos lined the walls. The bartender had a handlebar mustache. 

Carli was the first to voice her opinion: “No way in hell we are staying here.”

Tobin elbowed her. “Dude, come on! Get a little local flavor!” And with that she strode over to the bar, ordering a drink and thus tying them to the place with an open tab. Carli sighed and pursed her lips, following Tobin. Kelley shrugged. “Might as well.” 

Hope glanced over at Alex, the only one left standing near her. They shared a _what-do-we-do-now?_ look.

“Alex!” came Tobin’s voice from the bar. “First drink’s on me. Just wait. It’s called a _Square Dance.”_

*

The Square Dance - and there had been multiple dances, as Hope wasn’t sure how many Alex and Tobin had put away between them but there were glasses littering the table - turned out to be extremely potent.

Alex was facedown at the table, head in her hands, ponytail nearly dipping into her drink. Hope nudged her elbow from across the table. “Baby Horse. Wake up. We’ve got practice tomorrow. You remember practice?”

Alex slowly raised her head. “Practice....” she said slowly. “For what? We already won.” And with that, her head was back down and this time her hair splashed a bit of leftover Square Dance on the table. Tobin cracked up.

“All right. I’m taking this one home.” Hope stood up and went over to Alex. 

“Does she have her room key?” Tobin asked. It seemed like a very practical question for someone who had been matching Alex drink for drink, but shockingly, Tobin was better at this than the rest of them. Kelley and Carli were engaged in some kind of heated debate about something Hope couldn’t really follow and didn’t really care about.

Hope sighed. She reached into Alex’s front pocket of her jeans and felt a card. Alex barely noticed. “Yep. When you get back make sure she’s still breathing, all right?”

Tobin nodded. “You sure you don’t want one for the road?”

“Yes!” Alex’s head popped up.

“No,” Hope said firmly. “Let’s get out of here before you do something career-ending.” She tugged Alex up off the bench and slowly lead her out of the bar.

The night had turned cold while they were enveloped in the Western-themed warmth, so Hope pulled Alex tighter to her, her arm around her shoulders to keep her moving. Alex didn’t say much for the walk back. Hope was just relieved she was still putting one foot in front of the other.

As they reached the hotel lobby Hope turned Alex around and took her waist in her hands to search her front pockets again. Alex grinned. “What are you doing....exactly?” 

Hope looked up at her and couldn’t help but smile. She tried to hold it back. Taking care of drunk people was one of her least favorite activities and one she found herself charged with an annoying amount of the time, since she rarely drank herself. “I need your room key. Do you know what room number you are?”

“Of course I do.”

Pause. 

Hope raised an eyebrow. “Anytime now.”

Alex scrunched up her face. “Five...sixteen.”

“Excellent.” Hope lead her toward the lobby.

“Wait!” Alex came to a dead stop on the sidewalk. Hope spun toward her. “What? What’s wrong?”

Alex took a deep breath. “It’s five seventeen.”

Hope exhaled slowly. “Great.”

The elevator, Hope was positive, was the slowest piece of machinery on the face of the earth. The ride to the fifth floor consisted mostly of Alex burying her face in Hope’s shoulder, then quickly running away to a corner where she closed her eyes and possibly fell asleep for a moment. When the doors finally opened, Hope barely managed to catch her before she curled up on the floor of the elevator. 

They reached room five-seventeen. Hope eyed Alex. “You’re positive this is it?”

Alex nodded. “Ninety...eight percent positive.”

“Good enough for me.” Hope produced the room key, but before she could put it in the notch, Alex grabbed her hand. Hope looked up. Before Hope could think or react or even breathe, Alex said, “Wait,” and suddenly she was close, sudden and quiet, so close she couldn’t move, leaning her forehead against Hope’s and exhaling softly as she gripped her wrist. Hope stood completely still. Her mind went blank. She knew Alex was drunk, probably didn’t even know what she was doing, and Hope as the one in charge should laugh and step away, pretend it never happened, and get Alex to bed.

But she didn’t do any of those things. Instead, her stomach clenched harder than it ever had, Alex’s grip on her wrist the only thing holding her up, and when Alex closed her eyes, Hope closed hers, because she couldn’t think of anything else to do.

She felt the rise and fall of Alex’s chest without seeing it, felt her draw in a breath, felt her head shift slightly against Hope’s, and with that slight movement the moment snapped like a light switch, something like _Enough_ went off in her brain and Hope stepped away suddenly, opening her eyes and staring at Alex, unable to speak. The moment breathed a sigh between them, the space suddenly daunting. The dim hotel fluorescents were harsh and bright. Alex fumbled with her pockets, trying to find her key.

Hope reached out and touched her wrist. Alex jumped. “I have it,” Hope said softly. She stuck it in the electronic slot and the door beeped open. Alex stepped inside.

“Thanks for getting me home,” she said, her voice no longer light, and closed the door. 

Hope stared at the glossy outlines of the room number on the door. “You’re....welcome,” she said to no one. She headed back down the hall toward the elevator.

*

The score was close. Scrimmages were everyone’s favorite part of practice; they were fun, competitive, and gave someone bragging rights for awhile, at least until the next practice when someone else won them back. Hope was breathing hard, leaning on her knees in the goal. A force was coming for her, dribbling down the field, and it was a force named Alex Morgan.

Alex shot the ball past Kelley, who wore a blue bib to separate her team from the others. The ball darted to Megan, who took it a few feet farther before passing it back to Alex. Hope leaned up on her toes, knees bent, ready for the hit. Alex swept toward her. With her left foot she took a flying kick at the ball, which soared through the air . . .

. . . And connected with Hope’s hands, batting it away in a leap. 

Hope and Alex locked eyes for a moment. Neither glance was readable. The whistle blew from somewhere down the field.

People began to mill toward the benches, collecting bags and soccer balls and tugging off bibs. Kelley came up to hug Hope. “Nice one.” 

Hope patted her on the back. “Thanks.”

Alex walked only a few feet beside them. Kelley ran up to her and threw an arm around her shoulders. “You’ll get her next time, Baby Horse!” Alex gave her a small smile and then turned away to follow the team off the field.

Hope took a deep breath. “Looks like you could use some more practice.” It came out harsher than she meant, she thought, but then revised her opinion - it was just as harsh as she meant.

Alex stopped walking. She turned back to Hope. For a moment, Hope thought she was going to give it right back. Then she said, “Just a little tired.”

“I’m surprised you’re even walking.” Hope tossed the ball back and forth between her hands.

Alex smiled again, and this time it looked more real. “I recover pretty fast.”

Hope bounced the soccer ball. “You want another shot?” She gestured to the goal. “It’s wide open.” _What are you doing?_ Her mind demanded, but she ignored it and stuck to the challenge, convincing herself she wasn’t just extending their interaction for as long as she could.

Alex bit her lip. The rest of the team had made its way off the field with the exception of just a few players still wandering around. Hope kicked the ball up to Alex, who ducked and caught the ball with her foot, bouncing it to her knee. 

Something tugged at the corner of Alex’s smile, something secret and somehow mysterious. “All right. I’ll take you on,” Alex said. “But not here.”

Hope put her hands on her hips. “Where?”

“Tonight.” Alex kicked the ball at Hope. It was only from the years of instinct that Hope reached out and grabbed it in midair before it got away. “You’ll see.” With that, Alex flashed a full-on grin before jogging away to catch up with Tobin.

Hope tossed the ball between her hands and stared after her thoughtfully. She knew Alex would never back down from a challenge, but taking it into her own hands - that, she hadn’t expected, and now it was Hope who was at her mercy. 

*

Tall, leaning lights warmed the area with a white glow. Shadows hummed from nearby trees. A long stretch of grassy field spread out before them. At first glance, it could double as a soccer field - until Hope turned a little to her left and found a large plastic castle with several levels, a slide shooting to the bottom of a pit of mulch, and monkey bars heading off toward a separate platform.

Why had she agreed to this, again?

She turned to Alex and raised an eyebrow. “Interesting choice.”

Alex laughed and reached forward to take her hand. Hope let her, curling her fingers gently around Alex’s. “I noticed this place while we were walking home the other night. Playgrounds are one of my guilty pleasures.” She ducked under the monkey bars and led Hope around the side of the castle. A large sandbox sat near a rope ladder leading to the highest platform.

Alex pointed to the sandbox. “That’s your goal.”

Hope took a deep breath, then complied and stepped towards the sandbox. She got into her stance: knees bent and hands out, wearing a thousand-yard stare. Alex kicked the ball around a bit before bringing it several yards away from Hope, resting by a tree that overlooked a swing set. “You ready?” she called.

Hope shook her head and smiled, gritting her teeth. “Bring it, Morgan.”

Alex was _fast_ \- even faster than Hope knew she was. It was entirely different when you were on the receiving end of one of those kicks. But she’d never backed down from a challenge and she sure as hell wasn’t about to give up the sandbox. Alex dribbled around the playground with ease, taking long strides across the grass, following the ball through the swing set, under the slide and around several posts. Hope said, “Now you’re just showing off--”

The ball came flying at her out of nowhere. Hope leapt toward it, her fingertips barely catching the side of it. It bounced away harmlessly.

Alex ran up to get it back. “Close one,” she said with a grin.

“Try me,” Hope replied.

The next hour felt like one of the most intense practices Hope had ever had. The sand was bulky and always shifting, not letting her grip her feet, and Alex could literally dart toward her from anywhere at anytime. She was so quick that Hope would sometimes only catch a glimpse of her before she disappeared again. It felt like playing soccer with a very talented ghost.

Finally, Hope turned around too late--the ball soared past her shoulder and landed with a thud in the sand.

“Yes!” came the shout. Alex appeared from around the side of the castle, arms in the air. Hope had to smile - it was a good shot, if albeit a sneaky one, and since she was out of her element she didn’t mind so much. “All right, you got one,” Hope said, rolling the ball back to her. 

Alex caught it with her feet and kicked it upward to catch it. “It only takes one,” she said. “But I’d say we’re even now?”

Hope nodded. She stood up and stretched, then tried in vain to brush off some of the sand coating her. “For now.”

*

The night had grown silent except for the breeze that occasionally drifted through the playground. Alex and Hope sat with their backs against a set of bars on the top level of the plastic castle, looking out over a slide across from them. The view seemed much smaller now, Hope thought, as the breeze ruffled through and sent a few leaves scattering. 

Somewhere else in the castle, the plastic creaked as the wind came through. Hope said, “If we break this thing, I’m telling all those crying kids tomorrow it was your fault.” Alex laughed.

As the wind died down, only the sound of distant traffic came occasionally murmuring through the trees. Hope wasn’t sure how long they’d been sitting there, and though she knew they should leave, get back to the hotel and get some rest, a part of her wanted to stay.

Alex shifted beside her. “Do you ever...” She shifted her body towards Hope, leaning one side on the bars. Hope looked at her and saw her eyes searching for the right words. “Do you ever get really lonely out here sometimes? When we’re touring? I love it, I love seeing the cities and playing in so many different places, I just...” she let her breath out in one big whoosh and leaned back on her heels. “Sometimes I get so lonely and I wish I was back home and...” She dropped her gaze. “I know it’s selfish.”

For a few moments, Hope didn’t answer. She wasn’t sure how to be honest with Alex - how to say that sometimes the loneliness crushed her, especially at night, in the dark, even with a teammate sleeping just a few feet away in the hotel room. How silence had become her preferred state of existence. How being alone in the goal with every eye turned toward you when the moment came made her constantly feel like she was being watched. She didn’t know how to say any of those things without actually saying any of them.

Finally, she took a deep breath. “All the fucking time,” Hope said.

Alex looked up, her eyes clear and bright, and a smile slowly spread across her face. “Seriously?”

“Of course. Everyone does. Just because we’re together all the time doesn’t mean we don’t get lonely. Sometimes that’s when it’s easiest to forget and just start feeling awful.” Hope chose her words carefully, not wanting to veer too far into heavy territory.

“So what do you do?” Alex stared at her and when Hope met her eyes, she momentarily forgot what she was going to say, forgot all of the planned words that were just honest enough. Instead, to her own surprise, she laughed, then shrugged.

“I’m still figuring it out.” Hope toyed with the end of the zipper on her jacket. “Even after all this time. Maybe you never figure it out, you just...” she shrugged again. “Learn how to not be so obvious about it.”

Alex sat back slightly, like that wasn’t the answer she’d been looking for. “You just keep it all inside?”

“Sometimes, yeah.” Hope turned to face her now, resting her body on the bars, realizing too late that she was close to Alex, closer than she’d meant to be, but it didn’t feel right to scoot away. She noticed all the details of Alex’s face she had never seen before, never quite up close - the angle of her cheekbones, the way her eyes smiled even when her mouth was quiet, her hair drifting at her shoulders. She knew she should back away, moment be damned, and forget all those details, but she felt out of control, as if she’d handed off the reins for her body to someone else.

Alex shifted again, toward her, and suddenly they were way too close for there to be any mistake. Neither one moved. Hope felt every breath shuddering through her chest and she could see Alex’s shoulders rising and falling with her own. Her mind was screaming at her so loud she was surprised Alex couldn’t hear it. Any thought she tried to form, any logical reason for this to be happening, broke down immediately. Before she could think about it Hope tilted her head downward, letting herself meet eyes with Alex for just a moment, as if making sure she was still real, and she saw exactly how she felt reflected in Alex’s face, like asking a question.

Suddenly, Hope pulled away. 

She didn’t remember doing it; all she remembered was suddenly having space to breathe, her head spinning, the cold air hitting her like a wall, and most of all - the look on Alex’s face, when the answer to the question she’d asked was clearly _No._

But if it was that simple, Hope knew she wouldn’t be feeling regret as strongly as she did right now.

She turned away from Alex, facing the playground with its endless lights and a soft fog that covered the edges of the fence. Alex didn’t move. 

Hope knew she had to come up with a better answer next time.


	2. Chapter 2

With only a few games left before the victory tour ended, the team made sure to take advantage of every one. Pre-game rituals lasted longer than ever, post-game celebrations were even more epic than the last. They stayed in the locker rooms til the hosting stadium insisted that they had to leave, and even then they lounged for moments longer. Hope could feel it constantly - the threat of leaving, the awareness, and utter denial they were all in. She tried not to think of it, but her rational side reminded her that each win was bittersweet, for it meant one less game to go.

And then, there was Alex.

They hadn’t spoken much since the playground. The game the day after kept them busy and it was good to be in the group again, to be distracted, to be running hard and focusing on the win, the rush, the things Hope was sure of - instead of something she had never been less sure about.

Every time she looked at Alex now, it wasn’t just Alex - it was _Alex_ , like she suddenly took up more space in her world, her presence made greater, something Hope had most definitely not given her permission to do. At times, she found she couldn’t look away.

To be frank, it was driving her crazy.

When the excitement had finally died down in the locker room, Hope looked up and found herself alone with Alex, who was sitting on a bench across the room, engrossed in her phone. Hope swallowed and put the rest of her clothes away, trying to convince herself it was no different than if Cheney or Tobin or anyone else was sitting there. She zipped up her bag. Alex glanced up from her phone.

“Don’t miss the bus,” Hope said, swinging her bag over her shoulder. She started to leave.

Alex stood up. She hovered for a moment, not speaking. Then, “Hope--”

Hope turned and in one swift stride crossed the room, taking Alex in her arms and crashing her mouth against hers. Alex’s knees bent as Hope drew her close, responding by deepening the kiss, her heartbeat zooming against Hope’s chest. The awkwardness of the night before had disappeared - this was desperate, careless, throwing away the questions instead of asking them. There was no hesitation as Hope pushed Alex against the lockers and Alex shoved her hips into Hope’s, pausing only to gasp for breath before Alex reached for her this time, kissing her hard and fast, fingers curled around the back of her neck.

They kissed until they couldn’t breathe, afraid that if they broke away it would tear them apart. Hope reached for Alex’s mouth once more, desperate for one more searing kiss, then suddenly embarrassed as she leaned back. Alex caught her wrist and kept her close. She stared at the ground between them. Hope relented and stayed, her fingers finding Alex’s.

“What are we doing?” Alex whispered. She did not look up.

Hope tried to answer, but every word got stuck before it came out. She shook her head, her hair falling in front of her face. “I don’t know.”

Alex responded by pressing her mouth to Hope’s and melting into the kiss, and it felt like falling, like waking up somewhere and not knowing where you landed. Hope let herself reach out, pulling Alex’s body toward her, and they were kissing and barely breathing and scared out of their minds but they couldn’t stop. Alex gripped Hope’s shirt hard, twisting the fabric in her fingers, meeting the kiss with equal force. Hope felt the warmth of Alex’s body where it was pressed to hers, lingering and soft, and cold in all the places they weren’t touching. 

It seemed like hours but could only have been a minute before they heard someone approaching down the hallway, footsteps and laughter echoing. They flew apart, eyes meeting for a moment, flushed for breath, before Hope backed away, grabbing her bag. She and Alex stared at each other until another figure stepped in the room.

Abby tossed a towel in the laundry basket, then saw them. “Hey, you guys know we’re leaving, right?”

It was Alex who spoke first, clearing her throat and gathering her things quickly. “Yeah, coming.” She tucked her phone in her pocket and rushed past Abby. Her footsteps echoed alone down the hallway.

Abby raised an eyebrow at Hope. “What’s up with her?”

Hope shrugged and followed Alex out.

*

 _Fuck._ It was the only word running through Hope’s mind as they sat in the bus back to the hotel. Over and over. _Fuck, what am I doing?_ She wanted to scream. For a second she toyed with the idea, just to see what the rest of the bus would do - everyone was either sleeping or listening to music. The only thing that stopped her was the thought of the reprimand from Pia.

Alex Morgan. Hope knew her name, the number on the back of her jersey, that she made Abby a better player (and frankly, a lot easier to be around in general) and that was about it. She tried to think of where Alex was from and couldn’t even come up with the name of the town. She barely knew the girl who had come into the team and completely changed the game - so where was the rest of this coming from? She’d never dated a teammate before, never even considered what she was doing now, because yeah, they all craved a little companionship out on the road but that only went so far.

Until now.

When they got to the hotel she immediately flattened herself on the bed facedown, burying her head in the pillow while Kelley took a shower. Every move seemed like the wrong one. Talk to Alex. Better yet, don’t talk to Alex. Sleep for two weeks. Pretend it had never happened. And then the only thing she wanted to do but couldn’t imagine: keep going further and further until they fell all the way down.

Kelley sat down on the opposite bed and checked her phone. “People are on their way over,” she said.

Hope lifted her head. “People? What people? Can you tell them to go away?”

“I--” Kelley started. The door swung open and in poured Carli, Tobin and...Alex, who avoided any possibility of eye contact with Hope.

“Hope wants you all to go away,” Kelley announced with a grin.

“What! We just got here!” Carli flopped onto the bed next to Hope. 

“It’s fine,” Hope said, turning her head the other direction.

“What are you moping about? Don’t be boring.” Carli nudged her. “We _won,_ remember?”

“Not moping. Just tired. I don’t know.” Hope smiled. “Want to give me a massage?”

Carli groaned. “You’re shameless.” But she complied. On the other bed, Kelley, Tobin and Alex were flipping through television channels, no doubt in search of the most ridiculously bad show they could find. Hope put her head down and tried to relax as Carli rubbed her shoulders, imagining all the confusion and craziness in her head spreading out through her body and drifting away. Through the crack between her head and the pillow she could just see Alex, laughing with Kelley about something, her hair falling in front of her face. Hope closed her eyes.

*

It took a couple hours, a marathon of TLC reality shows, and a good amount of nagging from Carli, but Hope eventually warmed up to hanging out with the group. They shifted around between the bed and the floor, lounging on pillows and tossing them at one another periodically. It was somehow in this chain of events that Hope found herself laying on her back on the opposite bed with Alex’s head resting on her stomach. She knew that to the rest of the group it looked like the normal affection they all showed one another, but Hope’s heart was racing no matter how many times she annoyed herself with silent reminders to calm down. She was exercising such self-control over her pulse so that Alex wouldn’t feel the flopping in her stomach that she hadn’t realized the party was dying down until Carli, Tobin and Kelley were already on their feet. 

Kelley pointed at them. “Heather wants to go out. You guys coming?”

Hope opened her mouth to speak. Alex did the same, but neither made actual sounds. Kelley raised her eyebrows.

“Cool. Or you could just stay here and keep acting weird.”

Hope cleared her throat. “I’m gonna stay. Not really feeling adventurous tonight.”

“Yeah, me either,” Alex said.

Carli rolled her eyes. “You both better snap out of this sooner than later. It’s really starting to bore me.” Hope tried to ignore the pointed _we’re-going-to-talk-about-this-later_ look she got from Carli. Tobin wiggled Alex’s foot as she passed. “I’ll see you later.” Alex smiled and waved goodbye. Hope felt a pang of something that she quickly ridiculed herself for.

The door shut. The room was suddenly much quieter with only the hum of the lights, faded traffic and whatever was on the television at the moment - Hope looked at it for a moment but couldn’t make sense of the people screaming and running around on-screen, likely some reality show that would give her a headache, so she gave up and closed her eyes.

She would never be able to put into words what made her trust Alex implicitly. Hope’s trust was a hard-earned thing and few managed to put in the time and the effort to truly receive it. She didn’t blame them; people barely had enough time to take care of themselves. They preferred friendships that were easy, that you didn’t have to put much thought into. Hope, on the other hand, liked a challenge. And maybe, she thought, there was something about Alex that said she would never back down from a challenge.

She felt Alex shift on top of her. Neither of them seemed able to break the near-silence. Hope, for once, found herself at a loss for what to say, so she didn’t say anything. It wasn’t until several moments later that she realized she’d been stroking Alex’s hair. Her hand froze and she was sure Alex could feel her pulse quicken. It had been far too easy to fall into that, the ease of comfort, touching her without thinking, and suddenly, Hope was scared.

A second later the space where Alex had been was empty. Hope opened her eyes to find that Alex had moved to sit a foot away at the edge of the bed, her back to Hope, who sat up on her elbows and tried to imagine the facial expression she might find if she made Alex turn around.

Alex must have heard her move, because she said, “Um,” then scratched her head for a moment, her ponytail swishing slightly, and Hope was reminded for a moment of the gap between them - age, experience, and likely every other possible way they could be different. 

“I don’t know if this kind of stuff usually happens on the team,” Alex said after a moment, the words slow and careful. “In fact, I don’t know at all what to think, or what to say to you, or how to act around you.” Still she did not turn around. Hope sat up fully now, staring at Alex, the way her shirt rode up slightly to expose her lower back, the way her ponytail shifted when she shifted her shoulders, and realized that Alex could only say these things with her back turned. “I just feel like--” Alex stopped, as if going any further would make things too clear, too easy for Hope to refuse.

Hope cleared her throat. It felt like she should be dispensing some kind of advice, telling Alex not to worry about any of it, that she would get used to this, that it happened all the time and it meant nothing, but none of that was true, and Hope was nothing if not honest to a fault. 

“Alex,” she said finally, forcing the word out of her mouth. Alex turned around now, and her face reflected pretty much everything Hope had been afraid to see. 

Hope stared at her hands for a moment, then rebuked herself silently and forced herself to look Alex in the eyes, to push away the fear and deal with it. “If you want to just forget it, I won’t fault you. It doesn’t matter.”

“Doesn’t matter?” Alex repeated. Hope heard something change in her voice and realized she’d hurt Alex’s feelings. _Fuck._ Another thing she hadn’t meant to do. 

“I just meant...” Hope exhaled harshly, blowing her hair out of her face and leaning over on the bed. “I don’t have the answers you want. I don’t have any answers.”

Alex was silent for a minute. _Great,_ Hope thought. _Now I’ve made things worse._ The best she could hope for was that on the field, at least, they could put all this behind them.

Alex said, “Then let’s stop talking,” and suddenly Alex was close, so close and her mouth was on Hope’s and she didn’t even have a moment to be surprised before she was kissing her back and her hands were gripping Alex’s waist and her hair was still in that damn ponytail. Alex seemed to realize this and pulled the ponytail holder away, freeing her hair as Hope tangled her hands in it, kissing her harder and knowing that this was it - this was falling all the way down, and there was no stopping it.

She pushed up Alex’s shirt, letting her hands roam across Alex’s stomach, tight and smooth, finding her back and the long dip of her spine, and Alex shivered against her, breaking the kiss to work her mouth at Hope’s neck, her collarbone, breathing into her ear and sending a shiver through Hope as well. Hope tugged at Alex’s shirt, wanting it off, _now_ , damn it, and Alex finally obliged her, pulling it over her head and abandoning it on the floor. She sat back for a moment and Hope got a full look at her - her bra was pale pink, lacy, and Hope opened her mouth. Alex shook her head before Hope could speak. “Shut up,” she admonished, and she leaned back down, covering Hope’s body with hers, taking the chance to pull Hope’s shirt up and trail kisses down her stomach. Hope forced herself to bite back a moan, instead hissing through gritted teeth as Alex worked lower. She hadn’t expected it to be like this, for Alex to be this smooth, this sure, this confident, and she didn’t like things she didn’t expect, so without warning she flipped Alex over on the bed and pulled off her own shirt, her bra black and smooth. She braced herself over Alex as she bit her collarbone, eliciting a gasp from Alex that gave Hope more satisfaction than it should’ve, and covered her mouth with hers as she reached under Alex to unhook her bra. 

Alex froze for a moment when Hope’s fingers reached the clasp. Hope pulled back to look at Alex, her expression wild, hair unkempt, chest rising and falling distractedly. “What?” Hope said finally. 

Alex shook her head as if to say “nothing”, but she didn’t say anything at all. Instead, she rose her head and met Hope’s lips, capturing them in a kiss that was slow, and soft, and light, and different than any they’d thus far, and leave it to Alex Morgan to send Hope’s world into a whirling mess again. Her gaze never left Hope, who was trying to catch her breath, trying to make sense of what had just happened, trying to stop herself from asking too many questions. The only thing she knew how to do was to lean down and kiss her again, and again, and block out everything else.

Alex reached back and unhooked her own bra. The pink fabric fell away and Hope felt a shudder pass through her. The room seemed darker, the air heavier, and if they’d had any illusions about what was going on it suddenly seemed clear that there was no escaping what they were doing. Hope got rid of her own bra to even the score. She leaned down and kissed Alex’s chest, from her neck all the way down, covering every inch of skin with her mouth, finding the waistband of Alex’s shorts and, forcing herself to go slowly even though all she wanted to was rip them away, pulled off everything else Alex was wearing. She found herself between Alex’s long legs as she reached a hand down and Alex made a sound Hope had never heard her make before. It made her dizzy. Hope climbed back up to kiss Alex, keeping one hand between her legs, as Alex gripped the back of her neck and kissed her so hard she thought she would bruise. Alex’s legs were working overtime, bending her knees and twitching as Hope touched her and she kept making these _noises;_ damn, the girl was loud. Hope’s tongue found Alex’s in effort to quiet her, but likely only made things worse. 

They broke apart for only a moment to breathe and Alex grabbed the waistband of Hope’s sweatpants. “You too,” Alex whispered in her ear, and Hope wanted to fight back for a moment, just to resist, but she’d be kidding herself if she did and so she relented and let Alex slide the rest of her clothes down her body. They were both bare under the covers of the hotel sheets, slightly scratchy on their skin with a fresh fabric smell, and Hope couldn’t take anymore long, drawn-out pauses or she was sure she’d go insane so she pushed harder into Alex and Alex cried out, kissing Hope fiercely. Her own hands found Hope’s body, sliding down her stomach and lower, and it took everything Hope had not to just collapse right there. She shut her eyes and kissed Alex and touched her everywhere and tried to forget everything that was waiting for them when this was over.

It wasn’t until the sound of the keycard in the lock had came and went, until the door swung open and a voice called out to them behind it, until Carli had already stepped in the room when Hope and Alex broke apart, stopped as suddenly as they’d started, and Hope’s heart was pounding in her ears when she realized what the sound was and she was reaching in slow-motion for a blanket to cover them up when Carli said, “What the actual fuck--” and slammed the door, leaving them in the wake of a tornado.

“Oh my god,” Alex said. Hope was silent.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,” Alex said again. She flattened herself against the mattress as if she thought it might make her disappear. Hope said nothing. She stood up from the bed, completely naked, and grabbed a robe off the door. She slid it on quickly, opened the door and left.

Carli must have been nearly running away because her figure was practically at the end of the hall when Hope stepped out of the room. She went after her, not hurrying, refusing to freak out, keeping every completely out-of-control emotion that she felt locked as tight as ice inside her.

“Carli--”

“Shut up, shut up, my eyes are burning,” Carli spat. Hope grabbed her shoulder and tried to turn her around but Carli shrugged her off, pacing back and forth across the hallway wildly. “All I wanted was to grab my wallet and instead--what the fuck was that?!”

“I can explain,” Hope said calmly. 

“Please--don’t.” Carli said. She balled her hands into fists at her waist. She clenched her jaw. For several moments, she didn’t speak. Hope waited for the recoil. When Carli stopped talking, that’s when you knew she’d really been pushed over the edge.

“Please just tell me,” Carli finally said, “what the hell you’re thinking.”

Hope opened her mouth to make any number of excuses to Carli. A million of them came rushing right to her tongue, ready to give some kind of reasoning, any logic, anything that could explain this. The only thing Hope said was, “I don’t know.”

This was clearly the wrong answer. Hope could’ve sworn she actually saw Carli jump up and down in frustration. “You have sex with someone and you don’t know why?!”

“Jesus,” a voice said. Hope’s heart sunk. That was all she needed. She turned around and saw Abby standing there, looking at them both like they were crazy. “Can you talk about whatever this is somewhere where we don’t all have to listen to it?”

Carli opened her mouth and for a moment, just for a moment, Hope let everything go and stared at Carli pleadingly, hating herself for it, hating herself for begging, but the desperation was too much to hold onto pride now. Carli gritted her teeth and stayed silent.

“Whatever.” Abby threw up her hands. “Have you guys seen Alex?”

“No,” Hope said immediately at the same time Carli muttered, “Sure have.”

Abby stared at them. “I need to get into our room and I can’t find my key.”

“Can’t you just get another one?” Hope realized after the fact it came out more impatient than she meant, but she didn’t have time to care.

“Yeah, I just thought I’d try to find my roommate first....” Abby frowned. “You know what, I’m just gonna....look somewhere else.” She turned and started down the hallway. Hope breathed a sigh of relief. Carli looked no less angry than before. As soon as Abby was out of earshot, she hissed, “Why didn’t you at least tell me before I walked in on you two?”

“There is nothing to tell,” Hope said, crossing her arms.

Carli looked for a moment like she might punch something - maybe Hope - before she relented. “All right,” she finally said. “I hope you know what you’re doing.” She headed down the stairs. Hope stood for a long time, the lights buzzing softly above her, casting long shadows on the wall.

*

Abby walked away from Hope and Carli’s bizarre and obviously way too personal argument toward the elevators at the opposite end of the hall. She nearly bumped into someone coming out of one of the rooms. “Sorry--”

She stopped. Alex stepped out wearing an expression looked like she’d just been kicked off the team. Her hair was askew in a messy ponytail as she pulled on her shoes. “Hey, I was just looking for you,” Abby said. “What’s wrong?” Concern she usually rarely exhibited was evident in her voice. Even when Alex was upset about something, she usually held it together pretty well, but this time she looked raw, confused, and totally off her game.

“Nothing,” Alex said quickly, hovering in the doorway of the room, trying to tie her laces. “Why were you looking for me?”

“I lost my room key, wanted to see if you had yours.” Abby scratched her head, trying to detect any clues about Alex’s weirdness. 

Alex felt around in her pockets. “Shit,” she muttered.

Now Abby definitely knew something was wrong. Unlike most everyone else on the team, Alex didn’t usually curse unless she was really at the end of her rope.

Alex opened the door to the room she had come out of and searched around the floor of the nearest bed, which was a tangled mess of blankets and sheets. One of the pillows was on the floor.

“Whose room is this?” Abby asked.

“Um,” Alex said, looking under the bed for her keycard. “Kelley’s.” She turned away from Abby.

Abby looked around. She saw goalie gloves in the corner on top of a black Nike bag. “And Hope’s?”

Alex cleared her throat. “Yeah, I guess.” She finally located the keycard near the foot of the bed on the floor. “Here we go.” She stood up and approached Abby, but Abby didn’t move from the doorway. 

Instead, she frowned at Alex. “You know, your shirt’s on backwards.”

A bright red flush spread up Alex’s cheeks. She looked down. “Whoops,” she said, flashing a quick smile that was gone in a second. “I’m never really paying attention when I get out of the shower. Come on, let’s go.”

Abby let her past this time. As the door closed behind them and Alex scurried toward the elevators, Abby looked back down the hall, where Hope stood in her bathrobe, arms crossed, staring at nothing, lost in thought.

“Holy _shit_ ,” Abby said to no one.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the third and final part. Thanks so much for reading; it really means a lot to me.

The next morning, Hope dragged herself down to breakfast, barely making it before the buffet closed. The rest of the team was abuzz with the excitement of a game day, laughing and talking and carrying on with life as it had been yesterday, but for Hope, life was not as it had been yesterday and she couldn’t even look Carli in the eye, so instead she held her head high and walked straight past her, scooping whatever was left at the buffet on her plate and sitting down at a table in the corner. Kelley joined her not long after and after feeling her out for a few minutes, Hope was relieved to find that she didn’t seem to know about last night’s events. Best of all, Kelley could make her laugh, and that was distraction enough for now.

Alex was absent from breakfast.

Abby marched into the room on a mission. She made a beeline for Carli, who wore the standard don’t-fuck-with-me expression she woke up with. So far it had been enough to keep others at bay as she sat alone, but Abby wasn’t scared of her and they had more important things to worry about.

She sat down at the table and thumped the top of it. Carli jumped and looked up at her, about to lay into her, but Abby cut her off first. “So, last night,” Abby said shortly.

Carli peered at her, her eyes narrowing. Abby raised her eyebrows pointedly.

Carli sat back with a huff. “Yep,” she said.

Abby nodded. Her worst fears had been confirmed. Well, that was step one.

“So we’re going to...” Abby led. She folded her hands together and straightened her shoulders, all business.

Carli nodded. “Yep.”

“All right. You....” Abby flicked her eyes toward Hope. “And I’ll...”

“Sounds good.” Carli crumpled up her napkin and tossed it on her tray. It landed with an insultingly soft sound.

“Great.” Abby clapped her hands and stood up. She walked around to the table where Tobin, A-Rod and Rachel were laughing about something so hard that Rachel’s ponytail had dipped into her plate. Abby set her hand on Tobin’s shoulder. Tobin’s laugh died off when she saw Abby’s face.

“You. With me.” Abby gestured toward her and started walking away. Tobin hesitated for a moment, exchanged looks with her table mates, and finally got up to follow Abby.

Carli swung by Hope’s table. Hope looked up at her, her face unreadable. Carli was not nearly as good as Hope at hiding her emotions, but Hope could tell she was trying, for her sake, and she felt a pang of gratitude. 

Carli motioned for Hope to follow her. “Come on.”

Hope stayed where she was. Kelley looked like she was about to slowly back away.

“We need to talk,” Carli said in as level a tone as she could muster. After a moment, she begrudgingly added, “please.”

Hope stood and started after her. Over her shoulder, Carli waved toward them. “You too, KO!”

Hope spun around. “Wait, what?”

*

Alex opened her eyes blearily when the door opened. Sunlight had been pouring in for the last few hours but she couldn’t bring herself to get up and close the curtains. Instead, she put a pillow over her head and slept while Abby showered, dressed and left. She wanted to stay in the warmth and darkness of the bed for the rest of the day. She couldn’t remember ever not being excited for a game day before.

The pillow was lifted off her head. Alex groaned and rubbed her eyes. Abby stood there, holding the pillow, and behind her was Tobin, who had worry written all over her face.

Alex sat up when she saw Tobin. Her heart began to pound. “Hey guys,” she said, trying to keep her voice steady. “Is breakfast over?”

“Yes.” Abby tossed the pillow away.

“Alex, what’s going on?” Tobin sat down on the edge of the bed. Alex had never seen her look so concerned before. Something inside her flipped, a pang of sadness, of guilt, for making her friend feel this way. “Are you sick?”

“No,” Alex said. She leaned back against her remaining pillows and drew her legs up to her chest. Her head was spinning. The light through the windows was harshly unforgiving.

“Are you going to tell her or should I?” Abby said. She was pacing, sort of, which was making Alex even more anxious than the way Tobin was looking at her, because Abby never paced - she was as still as a rock, even when things were at their worst, until she burst apart into energy all at once. There was no in-between.

Alex looked up at Abby pleadingly. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because I’m your friend. But I’m also your teammate. And what you’re doing affects the whole team.” Abby threw her hands up and gestured to Tobin. “And I thought if you wouldn’t listen to me maybe you’d listen to her.”

“Alex, please tell me what’s going on,” Tobin said quietly. “Because I have a bunch of worst-case scenarios in my head and I’m praying it’s not one of them.”

Alex stared at her feet under the blankets. She pulled the sheets up to cover herself, suddenly feeling exposed in just boxers and a t-shirt. The words were in her head, but that was as far as they went - she couldn’t imagine them making their way to her mouth, let alone to forming themselves into the air. Her heart beat so hard her chest hurt. She gripped the blankets, then rested her forehead on her knees. “I slept with Hope,” she whispered.

“What?” Tobin leaned in, unable to hear her mumbled confession.

Alex took a deep breath. She’d already said them once, now she could do it again. She had to, if only to stop the look on Tobin’s face from being there anymore. She cleared her throat. “I slept with Hope.”

After saying it louder, she found she couldn’t look up. The risk was just too great. She had no idea if the same look was still there, or if it had changed to something else, something worse, but she was praying as hard as she could that it wasn’t.

*

Hope sat down, hands braced on the edge of the bed, feet crossed at the ankle. This felt all too familiar, this scene - being dragged against her will into interrogation, being stared at like the people who had once been her friends now hated her, being berated without a chance to defend herself - but she had learned a lot since then, and she wasn’t about to back down.

A small piece of her reminded her that it would kill her if Carli hated her forever. She pushed the thought away.

Carli leaned back against the door. Kelley stood beside her, looking from Hope to Carli and back, as confused as ever. It was Kelley who broke the silence. “So...what’s up, guys?”

Carli said, with her head leaned back and her eyes closed, “Ask her.”

“I’m asking both of you,” Kelley said, “because you’re both weirding me out.”

Hope shrugged. “You’re the one who wanted to talk, so talk.”

Carli opened her eyes and was on her like a flash. “Fine. Let’s talk. Where should we start? At the part where you’re jeopardizing the entire team so you can have some kind of fucked up relationship behind our backs? Or the part where you couldn’t even be bothered to get out of bed with Alex long enough to tell your best friend what the hell was going on?”

Kelley held up her hands. “Whoa. Hang on.”

“I didn’t tell you because there is nothing to tell.” Hope’s eyes were dark, unforgiving, in battle mode. “There is no relationship. In fact, there’s nothing about this that concerns anyone else. I don’t have to answer your questions or justify myself to you.”

Kelley waved her hands around. “Hello?”

Carli stormed toward her. “Nothing to tell?! What I walked in on last night was nothing? I’m glad you really think through your decisions so carefully. Wouldn’t want you to make a mistake by doing something _completely insane.”_

Kelley snapped her fingers. “All right, both of you. Shut up.”

A silence fell over the room. Hope and Carli stared daggers at each other.

“Now, in case anyone cares, we have a game today - and if we’re going to win that game, we have to actually play it, which means we have to leave in--” Kelley checked her watch. “Half an hour. Twenty-seven minutes, to be exact. Which means you two have exactly twenty-seven minutes to tell me what’s going on, get your stuff together, go downstairs and get on the bus, so start talking.”

Carli folded her arms. “Hope--”

Hope cut her off. No way was someone else going to speak for her. If Kelley wanted answers she’d give them herself. “I’ve been...” she regretted not thinking of the correct word choice before she spoke, as the pause made her feel more and more weak by the second. She shook her head and raised her chin. “I’ve been....seeing Alex.”

“And lying about it,” Carli added.

“In secret,” Hope conceded.

Kelley stared at her. “Alex who?”

“Alex.” Hope hesitated again. “Morgan.”

For several moments, Kelley stayed perfectly still, like the words had shocked the ability to move out of her body. After the long moments had passed, she said, “I’m sorry, what?”

*

Alex was flopped facedown on the bed. Tobin was absentmindedly rubbing her back, though she hadn’t actually said more than a few words since Alex had broke the news, and the worried look still flashed on her face every once in awhile. What concerned her more, though, is what she saw in between the worry - confusion. Uncertainty. Numbness.

“Look,” Abby said. She sat down on the opposite bed. “You know I care about you, Alex. Everybody does. And that’s why I have to tell you that I think this is a really, really bad idea.”

“I know,” Alex said, muffled.

“This isn’t just a normal relationship. Everybody has real world stuff that distracts them on the field. Hell, I’ve played badly when Sarah and I were fighting. I looked like a total idiot out there. Couldn’t make a goal to save my life.” Abby leaned on her knees and looked at Alex. “That’s when I realized I couldn’t ever let that stuff get to me when I was playing. During the ninety minutes, nothing else matters but winning. If I was fighting with Sarah, I could keep fighting with her when I got done.” Abby took a deep breath. “And when your distraction is actually on the field with you...” She shook her head. “I don’t think it will be easy to leave it behind.”

“I know,” came the muffled response again.

“What happens if you and Hope have a fight? What if six months from now, you break up? How can a team function as a whole if two of its most important members are broken?” Abby tried to find Alex’s gaze against the mattress. “Do you even know what she’s thinking? Have you guys talked about what this is?”

“No,” into the mattress.

Abby sat back and sighed. “I know you don’t want to hear this. But I think you need to end it now. Before you get too far gone.”

_It’s too late for that,_ Alex thought, but this time she didn’t answer.

“Tobin, what do you think?” Abby asked.

Alex finally raised her head from the bed. She looked at Tobin and tried to read where her expression fell - it seemed heavier on the worry now.

“I think...” Tobin hesitated. She looked at Alex. “I think you should do what you think is right.”

Alex didn’t say anything. She sat up on the bed and looked at both of them for a moment, then uncurled her legs, stood, and stretched. “I’m going to get in the shower,” she said. Abby stared at her, then nodded. 

Tobin stood. “I’ll see you guys at the game,” she said, and left the room quietly.

*

Kelley sat on the bed beside Hope, who could practically feel the intense curiosity radiating from her as she searched for answers. Kelley wasn’t big on hiding her emotions, and everything she was wondering was on full display. 

“How long has this been going on?” Kelley said. Every question was even more incredulous than the last. Hope knew she wasn’t ill-intentioned, just fully trying to process the situation - which was more than she could say for Carli.

“Not long,” Hope said, digging her heels into the hotel carpet.

“How did it start?” Kelley pushed herself back on the bed and watched Hope.

“Do you mind if we maybe don’t go into details?” If they were going to force her to talk about it, there was only so far she was willing to go.

“So what are you going to do now?” Kelley continued her line of questioning.

Hope laid back on the bed, folding her hands over her stomach. She kicked her knees idly. “I don’t know,” she said truthfully.

“Hope.” It was the first thing Carli had said in what felt like hours. Both Kelley and Hope looked up at the unfamiliarity of the sound of her voice.

Carli stayed quiet another moment. Hope guessed her initial rage had calmed, and now she was trying to figure out where to channel everything she was still dealing with. She knew because it was a tactic she was all too familiar with. “Look, if it was someone else, someone not on the team, some stranger, you know none of us would have a problem with it. But--” she drew in a breath. “It is someone on the team. And that’s just it - we’re a team. We can’t have two people who are their own separate entity from everyone else. It affects everyone. It affects how we interact and how we play.”

Kelley looked shocked that Carli was speaking so calmly. Hope hid her surprise a little better.

“You know I want you to be happy. But this is bigger than that. I mean, we just won the gold medal for crying out loud. We’ve got to stick together. Especially with who knows what coming around corner - the new coach, the new league, everything - you have to think of the team.” Carli met her eyes. Hope had always appreciated that about her - she delivered bad news to your face. She didn’t try to hide it.

Still, that didn’t change the fact that it was bad news. Hope didn’t trust herself to respond, so she didn’t.

“And besides all that....” Carli let out an exhaled whoosh. “I can’t believe you didn’t just tell me.”

Hope took a deep breath. Finally she said, “It wasn’t that easy.”

Carli’s gaze was elsewhere, staring off into nothing. “Yeah.” She nodded. “I know.”

Kelley checked her watch. “All right, well.” She stretched. “We’ve got eleven minutes remaining to get our stuff and get on the bus, so I’m gonna go get ready.” Without warning she threw her arms around Hope and squeezed her tightly. “Thanks for telling me, Hope.” Despite her best efforts, Hope smiled.

Carli stood to follow Kelley. “I’ll talk to you later,” she said. The anger wasn’t there, but Hope knew there was something between them now that needed to be repaired, something she just didn’t have the focus for right now. Hope nodded.

As soon as the door shut, Hope closed her eyes and stared at the blackness behind her eyelids. Soccer was the furthest thing from her mind right now, and that was how she knew something really wasn’t right. Yes, the team was important. But the team had been important before, years ago, and she had learned just how easy it was for a team to fall apart on the inside and somehow keep going forward on the outside. Who said they couldn’t do it again?

Though deep down, Hope knew, she couldn’t do that to them.

*

The only thing that felt right was being back in the goal.

Hope leaned her water bottle against the goalpost and faced the field. Running practice drills, edging side to side, batting the ball away anytime it came near her - this is what she knew how to do. This, no one could question.

The Chinese team warmed up on the other side of the field. Hope didn’t know much about them, but wasn’t expecting much, either. The team had all sort of silently agreed that this wasn’t going to be the toughest game on the victory tour by far - that was already behind them, with Germany, and since then they’d learned their lesson. 

Alex, Abby, Sydney and A-Rod did drills at midfield. Hope would catch a glimpse of the blazing number thirteen on her back before she darted away again and Hope woke up, kicking herself out of her daydream.

It wasn’t long after the whistle blew that USA had the advantage. Their possession dominated the Chinese, keeping the ball away from even their most daring attacks and sometimes even being rewarded for it with a foul for China. Hope hadn’t had much to do, but she stayed present, stayed alert, and watched, trying to convince herself she wasn’t watching for Alex.

Near the 21st minute, Kelley was bringing the ball downfield at lightning speed, evading every defender that came her way. Alex was wide open in the center. Kelley launched the ball across a sea of heads toward Alex, who caught it with her feet, took a short dribble forward even as a Chinese defender cut across toward her, and sent it soaring toward the net.

And missed.

The ball swung wide, missing the goal by a foot or more. Even from all the way across the field, Hope could see Alex standing there in shock, unmoving, as if waiting for a replay. The crowd let out a collective sigh of disappointment.

The camera found Alex’s face. Hope couldn’t look away from the giant screen as the camera followed her across the field, her face stony.

It was the first of many. Abby scored, barely, before the halftime whistle blew while Alex seemed to be unable to connect point A and point B, aiming for the goal and never finding it. One particularly desperate slide sent her sprawled across the field while the Chinese goalkeeper kicked the ball harmlessly away. Alex sat there until Tobin pulled her to her feet.

Though they were up by one, as Hope had only made two easy saves from the Chinese offense, the tension in the locker room was tight, and strange, and if Pia noticed it, she didn’t acknowledge it, perhaps feeling that that would make it worse. Alex left the room before halftime was over. Hope leaned on her knees and ran her hands over hair, wishing they could go back and play the first half again. When she looked up from the floor, she found Abby’s gaze boring into her. She stared right back. 

Abby gestured with her head, a slight tic to the right, toward the door. Hope didn’t break eye contact, revealing none of what was happening in her head - _does Abby know? How? Who else knows? What is she saying?_ Questions soared through her wildly as her pulse quickened.

Abby made the gesture again, an unmistakable nod, and this time Hope took the hint and left the room.

She found Alex pacing in the next hallway over, deserted except for a row of lockers and a broom leaned against the wall.

Hope spoke softly as not to startle her. “Hey,” she said.

Alex whipped around. When her eyes met Hope’s her expression was startling - equal parts fury and exhaustion. Hope had never seen that look in her eyes before. It was like looking in a mirror. “Hey,” she finally returned.

Hope crossed her arms over her chest. This wasn’t fair - she wasn’t used to this, this talking people down and convincing them everything was going to be all right, because no one had ever successfully managed to convince her, so she hadn’t had much practice. She opened her mouth to speak once, then twice, while Alex continued pacing and pretty much ignored her. Hope tried to think of what she would want to hear in the situation, if their places were reversed - what would she want someone to tell her if she was having a bad game?

“Look,” Hope said, “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you need to snap out of it.”

Alex spun on her foot to face Hope. One look told Hope that was not the right tactic to use straight out of the gate, but the damage was done. Alex was, Hope, realized, furious, and probably almost entirely because of her.

“Don’t you think if I could just snap out of this I would? Do you think I like letting my entire team down over and over again?” Alex cried out. Even with that, the force seemed to go out of her and she bent over, hands on her head. “I can’t think about anything out there. All I can think about is you, and last night, and that door opening and feeling like I was going to die right then and there--” she cut herself off, unable to finish.

Hope tried to catch her eye as she paced. “I know it’s hard, but--” 

“It’s not hard.” Alex looked up at her. “It’s not hard. What I feel for you is pretty damn easy to pinpoint. It’s the rest that is completely--” she tugged on her jersey frustratedly. “Completely ruining me.”

Hope grabbed Alex by the wrist as she passed by once more. She pulled Alex to her, not letting her push her away, and before she knew what she was doing she kissed Alex hard. She closed her eyes and tugged Alex’s body toward her, pressing them together, gripping her jersey, anything to stop her hands from shaking.

Alex gave in for just a moment before she broke away, if possible, even more indignant than before. “What are you doing? Someone could--”

“No one is going to.” Hope kissed her again, her tongue finding Alex’s, and she felt the tension slide out of Alex’s body. She felt Alex’s hands in her hair, roaming her back, tracing the number one on her jersey. They backed up, feet stumbling over each other, breathless and carried away, until Alex’s back hit the wall and Hope was glad to finally have some leverage. Alex held her head with both hands, kissing Hope harder than ever, and Hope pushed Alex’s knees apart, pressing her own between them. Alex let out a gasp and broke the kiss, tilting her head back to breathe, giving Hope a chance to kiss her neck, tracing the curve down to her collarbone where her jersey prevented her from going further.

Alex looked back down at Hope. For a moment, they stood, pressed together, faces so close that Hope’s vision began to blur when she tried to meet Alex’s gaze. They breathed, soft and quiet, and held each other, Alex’s arm wrapped around Hope’s neck, Hope’s hands at her waist, and for a moment, they stayed there.

Hope whispered, “If you want to hate me after the game, fine. But right now, you have to go out there and not screw it up for everyone.” 

Alex’s eyes narrowed slightly. Hope frowned. Still didn’t have this whole comforting thing down.

“And I know...” Hope swallowed. “I know you can do it.”

She leaned in and kissed Alex, not with desperation or fear, but with intent, and care, and saying more than she had meant to say at all.

Alex sighed. “Promise me we’ll figure this out.”

“Promise,” Hope said, hoping desperately that she wasn’t lying.

Alex let go of her, and Hope stepped away, and the space between them felt massive again.

*

The day after the game, in which Alex had scored twice in the second half to lead a solid defeat over China, everyone was packing, ready to get back to normal life for a month or so before next year’s training began. Hope, unlike many of them, didn’t actually like having time off between games. When they were in the thick of it, she wanted to stay there, not break her concentration and go pretend to have a real life for a few weeks. It felt false. She usually kept as busy as she could and did events, made appearances, signed some shirts and books and photos when she was caught out, fed Leo every day, saw her family, and kept a rigorous fitness routine, unwilling to let herself slip for even a moment.

They’d never talked, not exactly, not about the things that needed to be said, not at the last team breakfast and not on the bus to the airport and not while they said goodbye to all their teammates as everyone went their separate ways, and as she sat on the tarmac waiting to fly home to Seattle, Hope thought she might actually get away with not having to say anything.

The problem was, she missed her. 

In spite of everything else, she missed Alex - her laugh, which was frankly way too easy to earn, the too-few stolen moments they’d shared, the way she looked at Hope like no one had ever looked at her before, a glance Hope tried to keep in her mind because she wasn’t sure of her chances of seeing it ever again.

Then of course, a text showed up on her phone, a few days after the game, and she didn’t recognize the number but the message was unmistakably meant for her: _You promised._

Hope sighed and briefly considered throwing her phone across the room. Instead she replied with a time and a place and a new promise, one she couldn’t break, because if this was ever going to get resolved she had to see Alex face to face.

*

The coffee shop was crowded with people. It was one of Hope’s favorites in Seattle, though she rarely brought anyone here as if it fearing it would lessen the experience, somehow making it not her own anymore. Alex had been visiting friends north of Seattle and was now passing through on her way down to LA, and Hope realized that if they were going to do this, whatever this was, she might as well give herself home field advantage.

Seeing Alex standing in the window made it all seem foreign, like she hadn’t walked in the doors to the shop a hundred times - just the sight of her, looking around and shifting her weight, a bag draped over her shoulder, her scarf - _pink,_ Hope thought wryly - made Hope consider seriously, just for a moment, turning and walking the other direction as fast as she could before Alex saw her.

Then Alex glanced through the window, and saw her, and her expression softened from slight terror to something else, Hope couldn’t tell what, and she had no choice.

“I’m surprised you come here so often,” Alex said quietly, pulling her scarf tighter around her as Hope walked in. “Don’t people recognize you and...bug you all the time?”

Hope shrugged. “They’re used to it by now. I used to come here every single morning before practice.” She led Alex to a table in the furthest back corner, tucked into a strange nook in the wall - the only place in the shop where the sound of the crowds faded away. The small, iron-grated table was just big enough to fit the two of them as they squeezed between soft wood paneling. Through a nearby window, Seattle went on with the rush of the day.

Hope stared out the window. She had done that countless times, letting her gaze unfocus and watch the din of traffic, of people bustling by, like watching a washing machine spin - an endless cycle of movement. It was tempting to let herself do it now, but she knew she owed it to Alex to be here, in the present, and have courage enough to face her.

Trouble was, she had no idea where she was going to pull that courage from, because she was feeling severely lacking at the moment.

Alex, as she always did somehow, took the leap and spoke first. “I just thought we should...talk...before next year. You know,” she took a deep breath, “I don’t know where we’ll all end up, and--”

“You’re right,” Hope said shortly, her two least favorite words in the world.

Alex ran a hand through her hair and loosened her scarf. Hope couldn’t help but let her eyes drop to the dip of her neck, where the scarf dropped to reveal her skin above her sweater. She shut her eyes, hating her inability to concentrate when Alex was around.

“I’ve thought of so many things to say to you, so many ways I could...spin this, so many...” Alex gave a frustrated sigh. “So many explanations, but now, none of them really seem that good.” Hope fought the urge to reach across and push the hair out of Alex’s eyes.

“I probably haven’t helped much,” Hope admitted, her eyes flicking over Alex’s shoulder to the outside world, where she desperately wished she could be.

“I just...” Alex stared at the table, the space between them where their fingers didn’t quite meet. Hope, without thinking, reached forward just the slightest bit, her fingers brushing Alex’s--

“I can’t let that happen again.” It all came out in a rush from Alex, like she’d been storing it up inside her, trying to say it the whole time. Hope pulled her hand back and sat back in her chair. Her eyes darkened.

“I know it might not seem like a big deal, and I know I’m just not strong enough to deal with it, and I’m sorry for that, but--” Alex shook her head. “That day when I was off my game, missing every shot, I couldn’t concentrate, and I cannot let that happen again.” She said it with forced finality, as if she’d learned the way to speak with conviction and was imitating what she thought sounded right.

Hope took a deep breath. She thought about the past few weeks, months, whatever it had been, closed her eyes, and let it all wash over her. Everything she had ever felt for Alex, every moment of yearning and desire acted on or not, every memory that was theirs and theirs alone - 

And when she opened her eyes, she let it all go.

“I understand,” Hope said evenly.

Alex’s head popped up from where her gaze had been downcast at the table. “You do?”

“Of course.” Hope smiled. She had gotten really good at lying with a smile. “You have your whole career ahead of you. You’ve made an incredible name for yourself already, and I admire you for it.” That part was not a lie. “You don’t need distractions. You should concentrate on what’s most important, and that’s soccer. Nothing else.” She finished and silently congratulated herself for getting through it.

Alex looked at her like she wanted to believe what she was hearing, but couldn’t quite yet.

“I mean it.” Hope reached over and took her hand - this time giving it a friendly squeeze. A sign that they didn’t need to be afraid of showing affection anymore.

Alex nodded slowly. “I’m really glad to have you, you know.”

Hope bit back the sob that nearly choked her with its suddenness. She forced her voice to steady itself. “I know. Me too.”

Alex slowly stood up. “I’ve got to take care of a couple things before I--”

Hope cut her off. She didn’t want to hear what Alex had planned for today, tomorrow, next week, any of it. She didn’t want that knowledge hanging over her. “I’ll see you next year,” she said with a smile, and when they hugged, Hope closed her eyes and silently prayed that the moment would last forever.

It didn’t, and Alex stepped away, and Hope sat back down at the table, her gaze through the window now unobstructed.

Alex went out the door and rounded the corner, trying to remember the street name of the way she’d come, when she spotted Hope through the window. Hope’s hands were over her face, fists balled up, her shoulders shaking, and Alex felt the pit of her stomach twist in pain.

Then the traffic signal changed, and she disappeared into the crowd.


End file.
